oila! Finally, the Inglourious Basterds script is here for all you fans of the Quentin Tarantino movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue.
Inglourious Basterds Script
(DISTANT RUMBLING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (MEN SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) While I'm very familiar with you and your family, I have no way of knowing if you are familiar with who I am. Are you aware of my existence? Yes. This is good. Now, are you aware of the job I've been ordered to carry out in France? Yes. Please tell me what you've heard. I've heard that the FÃ¼hrer has put you in charge of rounding up the Jews left in France who are either hiding or passing for Gentile. The FÃ¼hrer couldn't have said it better himself. But the meaning of your visit, pleasant though it is, is mysterious to me. The Germans looked through my house nine months ago for hiding Jews and found nothing. I'm aware of that. I've read the reports of this area. But like any enterprise, when under new management, there is always a slight duplication of efforts, most of it being a complete waste of time, but needs to be done nevertheless. I just have a few questions, monsieur LaPadite. If you can assist me with answers, my department can close the file on your family. Now, before the occupation, there were four Jewish families in this area, all dairy farmers like yourself. Doleracs, Rollins, the Loveitts and the Dreyfuses. Is that correct? To my knowledge, those were the Jewish families among the dairy farmers. Herr Colonel, would it disturb you if I smoked my pipe? (CHUCKLES) Please, monsieur LaPadite, this is your house, make yourself comfortable. Now, according to these papers, all the Jewish families in this area have been accounted for except the Dreyfuses. Somewhere in the last year it would appear they've vanished. Which leads me to the conclusion that they've either made good their escape or someone is very successfully hiding them. What have you heard about the Dreyfuses, monsieur LaPadite? Only rumors. I love rumors! Facts could be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing. So, monsieur LaPadite, what rumors have you heard regarding the Dreyfuses? (CLEARS THROAT) Again, this is just a rumor, but we heard the Dreyfuses had made their way into Spain. (MATCHSTICKS SCRAPING) So, the rumors you've heard have been of escape? (AGREES IN FRENCH) Yes. Having never met the Dreyfuses, would you confirm for me the exact members of the household and their names? (CLEARS THROAT) There were five of them. The father, Jacob. Wife, Miram. And her brother, Bob. How old is Bob? Thirty, 31. Continue. And the children, Amos and Shosanna. Ages of the children? (SIGHS) Amos was nine or 10. And Shosanna? And Shosanna was 18 or 19. I'm not really sure. Well, I guess that should do it. (ZIPPER CLOSING) However, before I go, could I have another glass of your delicious milk? But of course. Monsieur LaPadite, are you aware of the nickname the people of France have given me? (SIGHS) I have no interest in such things. But you are aware of what they call me. I'm aware. What are you aware of? (THANKING IN FRENCH) That they call you "The Jew Hunter." Precisely. I understand your trepidation in repeating it. Heydrich apparently hates the moniker the good people of Prague have bestowed on him. Actually, why he would hate the name "the Hangman" is baffling to me. It would appear he has done everything in his power to earn it. Now I, on the other hand, love my unofficial title precisely because I've earned it. The feature that makes me such an effective hunter of the Jews is, as opposed to most German soldiers, I can think like a Jew where they can only think like a German. (CHUCKLING) More precisely, a German soldier. Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat. The FÃ¼hrer and Goebbels' propaganda have said pretty much the same thing. But where our conclusions differ, is I don't consider the comparison an insult. Consider for a moment the world a rat lives in. It's a hostile world, indeed. If a rat were to scamper through your front door, right now, would you greet it with hostility? I suppose I would. Has a rat ever done anything to you to create this animosity you feel toward them? Rats spread disease. They bite people. Rats were the cause of the bubonic plague, but that's some time ago. I propose to you any disease a rat could spread, a squirrel could equally carry. Would you agree? (AGREES IN FRENCH) Yet, I assume you don't share the same animosity with squirrels that you do with rats, do you? No. Yet, they're both rodents, are they not? And except for the tail, they even rather look alike, don't they? It's an interesting thought, Herr Colonel. However interesting as the thought may be, it makes not one bit of difference to how you feel. If a rat were to walk in here, right now, as I'm talking would you greet it with a saucer of your delicious milk? Probably not. I didn't think so. You don't like them. You don't really know why you don't like them. All you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide. But there are so many places it would never occur to a hawk to hide. However, the reason the FÃ¼hrer has brought me off my Alps in Austria and placed me in French cow country today is because it does occur to me. Because I'm aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity. May I smoke my pipe as well? Please, Herr Colonel, make yourself at home. Now, my job dictates that I must have my men enter your home and conduct a thorough search before I can officially cross your family's name off my list. And if there are any irregularities to be found, rest assured they will be. That is unless you have something to tell me that makes the conducting of a search unnecessary. I might add, also, that any information that makes the performance of my duty easier will not be met with punishment. Actually, quite the contrary. It will be met with reward. And that reward will be, your family will cease to be harassed in any way by the German military during the rest of our occupation of your country. You're sheltering enemies of the state, are you not? Yes. You're sheltering them underneath your floorboards, aren't you? Yes. Point out to me the areas where they're hiding. Since I haven't heard any disturbance, I assume, while they're listening, they don't speak English. Yes. I'm going to switch back to French now, and I want you to follow my masquerade. Is that clear? (SNIFFLES) Yes. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SHUSHING) It's the girl. (SOBBING) (EXCLAIMS) (PANTING) Au revoir, Shosanna! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) ALDO: Ten-hut! My name is Lieutenant Aldo Raine. And I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish American soldiers. Now, you all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're going to be dropped into France dressed as civilians. Once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhacking guerrilla army, we're going to be doing one thing and one thing only. Killing Nazis. I don't know about you all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross 5, 000 miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fucking airplane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hating, mass-murdering maniac and they need to be destroyed. That's why any and every son of a bitch we find wearing a Nazi uniform, they're going to die. Now, I'm the direct descendent of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Indian in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans. And through our cruelty, they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't be able to help themselves but imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us. And the German will talk about us. And the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us that they are tortured with. Sound good? ALL: Yes, sir! That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me, personally. Each and every man under my command owes me 100 Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will get me 100 Nazi scalps taken from the heads of 100 dead Nazis. Or you will die trying! (SHOUTING IN GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (INTERCOM BUZZING) (KLIEST SPEAKING GERMAN ON INTERCOM) (KLIEST SPEAKING GERMAN) (BUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (BASTERDS LAUGHING) Hey, Hirschberg. Send that Kraut sarge over. HIRSCHBERG: You. Go. Sergeant Werner Rachtman. Lieutenant Aldo Raine. Pleased to meet you. You know what "sit down" means, Werner? Yes. Then sit down. How is your English, Werner? Because if need be, we got a couple of fellows who can translate. Wicki here, an Austrian-Jew, got the fuck out of Munich while the getting was good. Became American, got drafted, come back to give y'all what for. Another one up there you might be familiar with. Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz. Heard of him? Everybody in the German Army has heard of Hugo Stiglitz. (BASTERDS LAUGHING) MALE NARRATOR: The reason for Hugo Stiglitz's celebrity among German soldiers is simple. As a German-enlisted man, he killed 13 Gestapo officers. Instead of putting him up against a wall, the High Command decided to send him back to Berlin to be made an example of. Needless to say, once the Basterds heard about him, he never got there. (GASPING) Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz? Lieutenant Aldo Raine. These are the Basterds. Ever heard of us? We just want to say we're a big fan of your work. When it comes to killing Nazis... (MAN GROANING) ...I think you show great talent. And I pride myself for having an eye for that kind of talent. But your status as a Nazi killer is still amateur. We all come here to see if you want to go pro. (BASTERDS LAUGHING) Can I assume you know who we are? You're Aldo the Apache. (BASTERDS WHOOPING) Werner, if you heard of us, you probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-taking business. We in the killing Nazi business, and, cousin, business is a-booming. HIRSCHBERG: (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah. Now, that leaves two ways we can play this out. Either kill you or let you go. Whether or not you're going to leave this ditch alive depends entirely on you. Up the road a piece, there's an orchard. Besides you, we know there's another Kraut patrol fucking around here somewhere. If that patrol were to have any crack shots, that orchard would be a goddamn sniper's delight. So if you ever want to eat a sauerkraut sandwich again, you got to show me on this here map where they are. You got to tell me how many they are, and you got to tell me what kind of artillery they're carrying with them. (SCOFFING) You can't expect me to divulge information that would put German lives in danger. Well, now, Werner, that's where you're wrong, because that's exactly what I expect. I need to know about Germans hiding in trees. And you need to tell me. And you need to tell me right now. Now, just take that finger of yours and point out on this here map where this party is being held, how many is coming and what they brought to play with. I respectfully refuse, sir. (BAT TAPPING) Hear that? Yes. That's Sergeant Donny Donowitz. You might know him better by his nickname. The Bear Jew. Now, if you heard of Aldo the Apache, you got to have heard about The Bear Jew. I heard of The Bear Jew. What did you hear? Beats German soldiers with a club. He bashes their brains in with a baseball bat, what he does. And, Werner, I'm going to ask you one last goddamn time, and if you still respectfully refuse, I'm calling The Bear Jew over. He's going to take that big bat of his, and he's going to beat your ass to death with it. Now, take your Wiener-schnitzel-licking finger, and point out on this map what I want to know. Fuck you. And your Jew dogs. (BASTERDS LAUGHING) (BASTERDS APPLAUDING) Actually, Werner, we're all tickled to hear you say that. Quite frankly, watching Donny beat Nazis to death is the closest we ever get to going to the movies. Donny! DONNY: Yeah? Got us a German here who wants to die for country. Oblige him. (BAT TAPPING) (CONTINUES TAPPING) (BASTERDS CHEERING) Did you get that for killing Jews? Bravery. (BASTERDS EXCLAIMING) Yeah! BASTERD 1: Oh, no! BASTERD 2: Oh, no! Donny! BASTERD: Yeah, Donny! About now I'd be shitting my pants if I was you. (LAUGHING) Teddy Fucking Williams knocks it out of the park! Fenway Park is on its feet for Teddy Fucking Ballgame! He went yard on that one, on to fucking Lansdowne Street! You! Damn it, Hirschberg! Donny, bring that other one over here. Alive! Get the fuck up! Batter up. You're on deck! Two hits. I hit you, you hit the ground. English? (SPEAKING GERMAN) ALDO: Wicki. Ask him if he wants to live. (BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN) Tell him to point out on this map the German position. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (BASTERDS LAUGHING) Ask him how many Germans. (BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN) Around about 12. What kind of artillery? (BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) Now, when you report what happened here, you can't tell them you told us what you told us. They'll shoot you. They're going to want to know why you so special, we let you live. So tell them, we let you live so you could spread the word through the ranks what's going to happen to every Nazi we find. (SPEAKING GERMAN) Now that you've survived the war, when you get home, what you going to do? (SPEAKING GERMAN) WICKI: He's going to hug his mother. (SNIFFS) Well, ain't that nice? Ask if he's going to take off his uniform. (WICKI SPEAKING GERMAN) (BUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) WICKI: He's going to burn it. Yeah, that's what we thought. We don't like that. See, we like our Nazis in uniforms. That way you can spot them. Just like that. (SPEAKING GERMAN) But you take off that uniform, ain't nobody going to know you's a Nazi. And that don't sit well with us. (SPEAKING GERMAN) So I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off. You know, Lieutenant, you're getting pretty good at that. You know how you get to Carnegie Hall, don't you? Practice. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (EXCLAIMS) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (LAUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) (SIGHS) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY) (EXHALES) (SPEAKS FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (CLEARS THROAT) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (OFFICER EXCLAIMS) (OFFICERS CHATTERING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (CLEARS THROAT) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (EXHALES) (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) (SAYING GOODBYE IN FRENCH) (DRIVER SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (CAR APPROACHING) (BRAKES SCREECH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) (GOEBBELS LAUGHING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (FREDRICK LAUGHS) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (PANTING) (BRAYING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (TRANSLATING IN FRENCH) (TRANSLATOR SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (COUGHS) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (TRANSLATOR SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (TRANSLATES IN GERMAN) (GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN) (TRANSLATING IN GERMAN) (SCOFFS) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING) (TRANSLATING IN FRENCH) (FREDRICK SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) HANS: Au revoir, Shosanna! (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) (HANS SPEAKING GERMAN) (FREDRICK SPEAKING GERMAN) (HANS SPEAKING GERMAN) (FREDRICK SPEAKING GERMAN) (GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN) (HANS SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (CHUCKLES) (GASPING) (GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHS) (TRANSLATOR SPEAKING FRENCH) (SHOSANNA SPEAKING FRENCH) (GOEBBELS SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SCOFFS) MALE NARRATOR: At that time, 35 millimeter nitrate film was so flammable that you couldn't even bring a reel onto a streetcar. Hey, you can't bring those here on a public vehicle. They're films, ain't they? - Yes. Then they're flammable. Go on, hop off. MALE NARRATOR: Because nitrate film burns three times faster than paper. Shosanna has a collection of over 350 nitrate film prints. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) MAN: Right this way, Lieutenant. (CLEARS THROAT) Lieutenant Archie Hicox reporting, sir. General Ed Fenech. At ease, Hicox. Drink? If you offer me a scotch and plain water, I could drink a scotch and plain water. That-a-boy, Lieutenant. Make it yourself like a good chap, will you? The bar is in the globe. Something for yourself, sir? Whiskey. Straight. No junk in it. It says here that you speak German fluently. Like a Katzenjammer Kid. And your occupation before the war? I'm a film critic. List your accomplishments. Well, sir, such as they are, I write reviews and articles for a publication called Films and Filmmakers, and I've had two books published. Impressive. Don't be modest, Lieutenant. What are their titles? The first book was called Art of the Eyes, the Heart and the Mind: A Study of German Cinema in the '20s. And the second one was called Twenty-Four Frame da Vinci. It's a subtextual film criticism study of the work of German director G.W. Pabst. What should we drink to, sir? Well... Down with Hitler. All the way down, sir. Yes. Are you familiar with German cinema under the Third Reich? Yes. Obviously, I haven't seen any of the films made in the last three years, but I'm familiar with it. Explain it to me. Pardon, sir? Well, this little escapade of ours requires a knowledge of the German film industry under the Third Reich. Explain to me UFA under Goebbels. Goebbels considers the films he's making to be the beginning of a new era in German cinema. An alternative to what he considers the Jewish-German intellectual cinema of the '20s, and the Jewish-controlled dogma of Hollywood. How's he doing? Frightfully sorry, sir. Once again? You say he wants to take on the Jews at their own game. Well, compared to, say, Louis B. Mayer, how's he doing? Quite well, actually. Since Goebbels has taken over, film attendance has steadily risen in Germany over the last eight years. But Louis B. Mayer wouldn't be Goebbels' proper opposite number. I believe Goebbels sees himself closer to David O. Selznick. Brief him. Lieutenant Hicox, at this point and time I'd like to brief you on Operation Kino. Three days from now Joseph Goebbels is throwing a gala premiere of one of his new movies in Paris. What film, sir? The motion picture is called Nation's Pride. In attendance at this joyous Germatic occasion will be Goebbels, Goring, Bormann, and most of the German High Command including all high ranking officers of both the SS and the Gestapo, as well as luminaries of the Nazi propaganda film industry. The master race at play? Basically, we have all our rotten eggs in one basket. The objective of Operation Kino, blow up the basket. And like the snows of yesteryear, gone from this earth. Jolly good, sir. An American Secret Service outfit that lives deep behind enemy lines will be your assist. The Germans call them the Basterds. The Basterds. Never heard of them. Whole point of the Secret Service, old boy, you not hearing of them. But the Jerries have heard of them, because these Yanks have been them the devil. You'll be dropped into France, about 24 kilometers outside of Paris. The Basterds will be waiting for you. First thing, you'll go to a little village called Nadine. In Nadine, there's a tavern called La Louisiane. There you'll rendezvous with our double agent. She'll take it from there. She's the one who is going to get you into the premiere. It'll be you, her, and two German-born members of the Basterds. She's also made all the other arrangements you're going to need. How will I know her? I suspect that won't be too much trouble for you. Your contact is Bridget von Hammersmark. Bridget von Hammersmark? (CHUCKLING) The German movie star is working for England? Yes, for the last two years now. One could even say that Operation Kino was her brainchild. Indeed. Got the gist? I think so, sir. Paris when it sizzles. You didn't say the goddamn rendezvous is in a fucking basement. I didn't know. You said it was in a tavern. It is a tavern. Yeah, in a basement. You know, fighting in a basement offers a lot of difficulties. Number one being, you're fighting in a basement. What if we go in there and she's not even there? We wait. Don't worry. She's a British spy. She'll make the rendezvous. Stiglitz, right? That's right, sir. I hear you're pretty good with that. You know, we're not looking for trouble right now. Simply making contact with our agent. Should be uneventful. However, the off chance I'm wrong, things prove eventful, I need to know we can all remain calm. I don't look calm to you? (LAUGHS) Well, now that you put it like that, I guess you do. This Jerry of yours, Stiglitz, not exactly the loquacious type, is he? Is that the kind of man you need? Loquacious type? Fair point, Lieutenant. So you all get in trouble in there, what are we supposed to do? Make bets on how it all comes out? If we get into trouble, we can handle it. But if trouble does happen, we need you to make damn sure no Germans, or French, for that matter, escape from that basement. If Frau von Hammersmark's cover is compromised, the mission is kaput. Speaking of Frau von Hammersmark, whose idea was it for the deathtrap rendezvous? She chose the spot. Isn't that just dandy? Look, she's not a military strategist. She's just an actress. You don't got to be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't want to fight in a basement. She wasn't picking a place to fight. She was picking a place isolated and without Germans. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) (ORDERING IN GERMAN AND FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (MAN LAUGHING) (FEMALE SERGEANT SPEAKING GERMAN) (GLASS SHATTERING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH AND GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (PEOPLE LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GERMAN SOFTLY) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (CORK POPPING) Mmm. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (ALL CHEERING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (ALL LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (ALL TOASTING IN GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (STAMMERING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) (THANKING IN GERMAN) (EXHALING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (PHONOGRAPH CRACKLING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) (ALL LAUGHING) (BOTH LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) (LAUGHING) (SIGHS) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (HUMMING EXOTIC MELODY) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (WHIP CRACKING) (GRUNTS) (VON HAMMERSMARK LAUGHING) (VON HAMMERSMARK AND HICOX SPEAKING GERMAN) (HICOX SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (EXHALES) (ERIC SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (EXCLAIMS) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) Well, if this is it, old boy, I hope you don't mind if I go out speaking the King's. By all means, Captain. There's a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good Scotch. Seeing as I may be rapping on the door momentarily, I must say, damn good stuff, sir. Now, about this pickle we find ourselves in. It would appear there's only one thing left for you to do. And what would that be? Stiglitz. Say auf Wiedersehen to your Nazi balls. (SCREAMING) (PANTING) (DOOR OPENING) (GUN COCKING) You outside. Who are you? British? American? What? ALDO: We're American. What are you? I'm a German, you idiot. ALDO: Speak English pretty good for a German. I agree. So let's talk. Okay, talk. I'm a father. My baby was born today. In Frankfurt. Five hours ago. His name is Max. We were in here drinking, celebrating. They're the ones that came in shooting and killing. It's not my fault! Okay! It wasn't your fault. What's your name, soldier? Wilhelm. Now, is there anybody alive on our side? No. I'm alive! (SHOUTING IN GERMAN) ALDO: Who's that? (GRUNTS) Is the girl on your side? Which girl? Who do you think? Von Hammersmark. Yeah, she's ours. Is she okay? (SPEAKING GERMAN) Wilhelm! (SHOUTING IN GERMAN) She's been shot. But she's alive. (SPEAKING GERMAN) ALDO: Okay, Wilhelm. What do you say we make us a deal? What's your name? Aldo. Okay, Wilhelm, here's my deal. You let me and one of my men come down there and take the girl away. No guns. No guns me, no guns you. And we take the girl and leave. It's that simple, Willi. You go your way, we go ours. And little Max gets to grow up playing catch with his daddy. So what do you say, Willi? We got us a deal? Aldo. I'm here, Willi. I want to trust you. But... But how can I? What choice you got, son? Okay, okay. Aldo, I'm going to trust you. Come down. (SNIFFLES) Hey, Willi, what's with the machine gun? I thought we had us a deal? We still have a deal. Now, get the girl and go. Not so fast. We only got a deal, we trust each other. And a Mexican standoff ain't trust. You need guns on me for it to be a Mexican standoff. You got guns on us. You decide to shoot, we're dead. Up top, they got grenades. They drop them down here, you're dead. That's a Mexican standoff, and that was not the deal. No trust, no deal. (SPEAKING GERMAN) All right, Aldo. Fine. Just take that fucking traitor, and get her out of my sight. (VON HAMMERSMARK GROANING) Not so goddamn fast, doc. Tell him to go play with his dogs. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (DOGS BARKING) Before we yank that slug out you, you need to answer a few questions. Few questions about what? About I got three men dead back there. Why don't you try telling us what the fuck happened? The British officer blew his German act and the Gestapo major saw it. Before we get into who shot John, why'd you invite my men to a rendezvous in a basement with a bunch of Nazis? I can see since you didn't see what happened inside, that the Nazis being there must look odd. Yeah, we got a word for that kind of odd in English. It's called suspicious. (EXCLAIMING) Everybody needs to calm down. You're letting your imagination get the better of you. You met the sergeant yourself. Willi. You remember him, don't you? Yeah, I remember him. His wife had a baby tonight. He had just become a... He had just become a father! His commanding officer gave him and his mates the night off to celebrate. (GROANS) The Germans being there was either a trap set by me or a tragic coincidence. It couldn't be both. (GRUNTING) How'd the shooting start? The Englishman gave himself away. How'd he do that? He ordered three glasses. We order three glasses. That's the German three. The other looks odd. Germans would and did notice it. (BREATHING DEEPLY) Okay, let's pretend there were no Germans and everything went exactly the way it was supposed to. What was the next step? Tuxedos. To get them into the premiere wearing military uniforms with all the military there would've been suicide. But going as members of the German film industry, they wear tuxedos and fit in with everybody else. I arranged for the tailor to fit three tuxedos tonight. How'd you intend to get them in that premiere? Hand me my purse. Lieutenant Hicox was going as my escort. The other two were going as a German cameraman and his assistant. You still get us in that premiere? You speak German better than your friends? No. Have I been shot? Yes! I don't see me tripping the light fantastique up a red carpet anytime soon. Least of all, by tomorrow night. However, there's something you don't know. There've been two recent developments regarding Operation Kino. One, the venue has been changed from The Ritz to a much smaller venue. Enormous change at the last minute? That's not very Germatic. Why the hell is Goebbels doing stuff so damn peculiar? It probably has something to do with the second development. Which is? Der Fuhrer is attending the premiere. (SPEAKING GERMAN) Fuck a duck! What are you thinking? I'm thinking getting a whack at planting old Uncle Adolf makes this horse a different color. What is that supposed to mean? It means you getting us in that premiere. I'm probably going to end up losing this leg. Bye-bye, acting career. Fun while it lasted. How do you expect me to walk the red carpet? (SNORTS) Doggy doc's going to dig that slug out your gam. He's going to wrap it up in a cast, and you got a good how-l-broke-my-leg- mountain-climbing story. That's German, ain't it? You all like climbing mountains, don't you? I don't. I like smoking, drinking and ordering in restaurants. But I see your point. We fill you up with morphine till it's coming out your ears and just limp your little ass up that reuge carpet. I know this is a silly question before I ask it, but can you Americans speak any other language than English? We both speak a little Italian. With an atrocious accent, no doubt. But that doesn't exactly kill us in the crib. Germans don't have a good ear for Italian. So you mumble Italian and brazen through it. Is that the plan? That's about it. That sounds good. It sounds like shit. What else are we going to do? Go home? No, that sounds good. If you don't blow it, with that, I can get you in the building. Who does what? Well, I speak the most Italian, so I'll be your escort. Donowitz speaks second most, so he'll be your Italian cameraman. Omar, third most. He'll be Donny's assistant. I don't speak Italian. Like I said, third best. Just keep your fucking mouth shut. In fact, why don't you start practicing right now? (SPEAKING GERMAN) (CHUCKLES) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (MOTORCYCLE ENGINES STARTING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (KISSES) (DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) Yes. (SPEAKING FRENCH) (MAN SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Gorlomi? Gorlomi. (SOFTLY) Gorlomi. (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Antonio Margheriti. Margheriti. HANS: Margheriti. Dominick Decocco. (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Dominick Decocco. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) (ALL SAYING GOODBYE IN ITALIAN) (BOTH LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (BOTH LAUGHING) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (HANS SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) (USHER CONTINUES ANNOUNCING IN GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (GASPS SOFTLY) (SPEAKING FRENCH) What's that American expression? "If the shoe fits, you must wear it." (CHUCKLES) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (HANS EXCLAIMING) (VON HAMMERSMARK GRUNTING) (VON HAMMERSMARK SIGHS) (HANS PANTING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) ALDO: Fucking shithead. Faggot fuck. Fuck you! Bunch of shithead fuck. Fuck you, too! Goddamn Nazi farts, sons of bitches! Get your hands off me. You fucking bratwurst-smelling... Goddamn you! Get off! Hmm. (SPEAKING GERMAN) You Jerry-banging, Limburg-smelling... (SPEAKING GERMAN) As Stanley said to Livingstone, Lieutenant Aldo Raine, I presume? Hans Landa. (TRUCK ENGINE STARTING) You've had a nice long run, Aldo. Alas, you're now in the hands of the SS. My hands to be exact. And they've been waiting a long time to touch you. Caught you flinching. ALDO: Touch me again, Kraut-burger. Utivich? Is that you, Lieutenant? Yeah. Do you know what happened to Donny? Omar? The woman? No, I do not. Tell me, Aldo, if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy? Nope. What is that English expression about shoes and feet? "Looks like the shoe is on the other foot." Yeah, I was just thinking that. (SPEAKING GERMAN) So you're Aldo the Apache. So you're The Jew Hunter. I'm a detective. A damn good detective. Finding people is my specialty, so naturally, I worked for the Nazis finding people. And, yes, some of them were Jews. But Jew Hunter? (SNORTS) Just a name that stuck. Well, you do have to admit, it is catchy. Do you control the nicknames your enemies bestow on you? Aldo the Apache and the Little Man? What do you mean the Little Man? Germans' nickname for you. The Germans' nickname for me is the Little Man? And as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life. I mean, you're a little fellow, but not circus-midget little, as your reputation would suggest. Where's my men? Where's Bridget von Hammersmark? Well, let's just say, she got what she deserved. And when you purchase friends like Bridget von Hammersmark, you get what you pay for. Now as far as your paesanos, Sergeant Donowitz and Private Omar... How you know our names? Lieutenant Aldo, if you don't think I wouldn't interrogate every single one of your swastika-marked survivors, we simply aren't operating on the level of mutual respect I assumed. No, I guess not. Well, back to the whereabouts of your two Italian saboteurs. As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in. Double-zero 23 and double-zero 24, if my memory serves. Explosives still around their ankles, still ready to explode. And your mission, some would call a terrorist plot, as of this moment, is still a go. That's a pretty exciting story. What's next? Eliza on Ice? However, all I have to do is pick up this phone right here, inform the cinema, and your plan is kaput. If they're still here, and if they're still alive, and that's one big if, there ain't no way you're going to take them boys without setting off them bombs. I have no doubt. And, yes, some Germans will die. Yes, it will ruin the evening. And, yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night. But you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Goring, and you won't get Bormann. And you need all four to end the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four. And if you get all four, you end the war tonight. So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight. So, the way I see it, since Hitler's death or possible rescue rests solely on my reaction, if I do nothing, it's as if I'm causing his death even more than yourselves. Wouldn't you agree? I guess so. How about you, Utivich? I guess so, too. Gentlemen, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Goring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal. If you want to win the war tonight, we have to make a deal. What kind of deal? The kind you wouldn't have the authority to make. However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer. A general. I'm betting for... OSS would be my guess. (EXCLAIMS) That's a bingo! Is that the way you say it? "That's a bingo." You just say, "Bingo." Bingo! How fun. But I digress. Where were we? Yeah! Make a deal. Over there is a very capable two-way radio and sitting behind it is a more than capable radio operator named Hermann. Get me someone on the other end of that radio with the power of the pen to authorize my, let's call it, the terms of my conditional surrender. If that tastes better going down. You know, where I'm from... Yeah? Where is that exactly? Maynardville, Tennessee. I've done my share of bootlegging. Up there, if you engage in what the federal government calls illegal activity, but what we call just a man trying to make a living for his family selling moonshine liquor, it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short, we hear a story too good to be true, it ain't. Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing, and 999. 999 times out of a million, you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, fate reaches out and extends its hand. What shall the history books read? (PEOPLE ON FILM SHOUTING) (GUNFIRE) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SCREAMING) MAN: I implore you. We must destroy that tower. Sarge, that tower... MAN: The tower stands! (SPEAKING GERMAN) Psst! Psst! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (GUNFIRE) (PEOPLE CHEERING) HANS: So when the military history of this night is written, it will be recorded that I was part of Operation Kino from the very beginning as a double agent. Anything I've done in my guise as an SS Colonel was sanctioned by the OSS as a necessary evil to establish my cover with the Germans. And it was my placement of Lieutenant Raine's dynamite in Hitler and Goebbels' opera box that assured their demise. (SPEAKING GERMAN) By the way, that last part is actually true. I want my full military pension and benefits under my proper rank. I want to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for my invaluable assistance in the toppling of the Third Reich. In fact, I want all the members of Operation Kino to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Full citizenship for myself. Well, that goes without saying. And I would like the United States of America to purchase property for me on Nantucket Island as a reward for all the countless lives I've saved by bringing the tyranny of the National Socialist Party to a swifter-than-imagined end. Do you have all that, sir? I look forward to seeing you face to face as well, sir. Lieutenant Raine? Right here. Yes, sir. GENERAL: Colonel Landa will put you and Private Utivich in a truck as prisoners. Then he and his radio operator will get in the truck and drive to our lines. Upon crossing our lines, Colonel Landa and his man will surrender to you. You will then take over driving of the truck and bring them straight to me for debriefing. Is that clear, Lieutenant? Yes, sir. Over and out. (GUNFIRE) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (CHIMING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (SPEAKING FRENCH) (SIGHS) (GUNFIRE ON FILM) (GROANS) (MOANS) (SCREAMS) When I kill that guy, you got 30 feet to get to that guard. Can you do it? I have to. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Champagne? (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) Who wants to send a message to Germany? I have a message for Germany. That you are all going to die. (SPEAKING GERMAN) And I want you to look deep into the face of the Jew who's going to do it! (SPEAKING GERMAN) Marcel, burn it down. Oui, Shosanna. (LAUGHING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) My name is Shosanna Dreyfus, and this is the face of Jewish vengeance. (SHOSANNA LAUGHING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) HANS: Hermann, uncuff them. I'm officially surrendering myself over to you, Lieutenant Raine. We're your prisoners. How about my knife? (CHUCKLES) Thank you very much, Colonel. Utivich, cuff the Colonel's hands behind his back. Is that really necessary? I'm a slave to appearances. (GUNSHOT) Scalp Hermann. Are you mad? What have you done? I made a deal with your general for that man's life! Yeah, they made that deal. But they don't give a fuck about him. They need you. You'll be shot for this! Nah, I don't think so. More like chewed out. I've been chewed out before. You know, Utivich and myself heard that deal you made with the brass. End the war tonight? I'd make that deal. How about you, Utivich? You make that deal? I'd make that deal. I don't blame you. Damn good deal. And that pretty little nest you feathered for yourself. Well, if you're willing to barbecue the whole High Command, I suppose that's worth certain considerations. But I do have one question. When you get to your little place on Nantucket Island, I imagine you are going to take off that handsome-looking SS uniform of yours. Ain't you? That's what I thought. Now, that I can't abide. How about you, Utivich, can you abide it? Not one damn bit, sir. I mean, if I had my way, you'd wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-sucking life. But I'm aware that ain't practical. I mean, at some point, you're going to have to take it off. So, I'm going to give you a little something you can't take off. (HANS SCREAMING) You know something, Utivich? I think this just might be my masterpiece.